I find it hard to accept my faults in a relationship. It's so easy to accept my faults with a friend because my friends may see it as an accident and it's reasonable to easily forgive me for my bad actions. But when it comes to a relationship it's not so easy to admit my faults because it's too personal. I feel like when I admit my faults it's not good enough because I feel like I am a loser and the one accepting the apology is the winner. I know this is a bad veiw point to have because it definately creates problems and a negative outlook. Instead of improving myself I'm too worried about "winning." Let me explain, it's simple really. The reason why it's hard for me to apologize is because I don't think that the situation is completely my fault. I think it takes two people to make the relationship right and in some circumstances i feel like we shoud both take blame for our actions instead of only one of us saying sorry. If i say sorry, i expect a sorry in return because when people fight both people are hurt, not just one person. Don't get me wrong, I don't think apologizing makes somone weak. It is good to aplogize because it shows that you cared about wronging the person. But what do you do if you apologize and the person still isn't satisfied. Somtimes sorry isn't enough. I understand that it takes more than words to fix the damage. Somtimes you have to ensure that you don't hurt the person again by taking actions and listeningto what they have to say. If you really listen you will avoid hurting the person in the same way.
However, even though I know this It's STILL hard for me to apologize. I have been critisized so harshly when I was growing up that I completely want to avoid admiting to mistakes because it brings unpleasent feelings like " why can't I do anything right"...."god I always do something dumb and it starts stupid fights" and it's like "Why can't we just forget about it...I didn't mean to make you mad...geez I'm sorry"
According to Ariclesbase.com, "Accepting responsibility for personal actions and decisions is challenging for some. They operate in denial, as though by not admitting fault they haven’t done anything “wrong.” It’s almost as though they are afraid of owning any inappropriate behaviors because then they also might have to take responsibility for other actions. So it’s just easier to avoid and deny than to admit responsibility and apologize"(1). That's exactly how i feel and I couldn't have explained it in better words so thanks articlebase.com.
If you are having the same problems as I am then here are some tips from this website that i think is helpful in both our situations...
1) Be comfortable with saying " I’m so sorry for my part in what happened between us” or ‘I’m so sorry for my part in the misunderstanding" (http://www.articlesbase.com/). I agree with this step because like i said i feel like it's both our faults when something goes wrong and by saying these words I am admiting fault for JUST my part but not the whole thing; it's two wrongs that don't make only one person right.
2) Say, “I don’t know why it’s so hard to apologize sometimes—but it is. This isn’t easy for me to say because I’d rather blame you than look at myself, but I am truly sorry for the things I said last night.” (http://www.articlesbase.com/) By admiting that one has a problem with saying sorry it makes the situation better because it's good to be honest about it.
3) If your partner refuses to make an apology for behavior that deeply hurt you, ask her (or him) if she at least regrets what happened. Some spouses will find it easier to say, “I really regret what happened at the party” than “I’m really sorry for my behavior at the party.” (http://www.articlesbase.com/). This helps the other person realize that you want to apologize and you would want an apology in return. If the person refuses just be honest in how you feel and it helps to treat somone how you want to be treated. So if the person refuses to apologize I agree that by modeling behavior it may help your partner to open up as well. If one person readily apologize then it's easy for the other to react the same way and that makes good coroperation and a healthy relationship! :)
4) "You can’t control what your partner decides to do or not to do, so focus on what you do have control over—your own reactions and behavior" (http://www.ariclebase.com/). I heared this saying so many times and it's so hard to follow. But it's true. It's like you don't want to focus on your own reactions and behavior if your parter is not willing to focus on their actions and behavior as well and instead if they blame you for everything. I need to know that the other person is willing to better themselves if i'm willing to better myself so the job is not entirely up to one person. But I am contradicting what number four is saying because I have no control over my partner. I can't force them to improve if they don't want to; I can only ask.
5) "Write your spouse a handwritten letter (pen and paper—no emails) sharing your feelings and say that in order to move on, you really need some sort of acknowledgement of your feelings and the hurt you have experienced. State that it’s important for you to know your partner cares about your feelings enough to apologize or admit regret for what happened" (http://www.articlebase.com/). This is something that males will never do. It's too girly to write a letter and I have done this. It would be nice to recieve a letter because it shows that the person really does care to take the time to write a letter because they CARE about what I think because they initial care about me; If they didn't care about me then they wouldn't care about what mean thing I did since I am nothing to that person.
It's like this: The ones that you really care for are the ones that can only hurt you...
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