;'( Sad & Blue

How do you recover from something so devastating? and why is it that I feel that something like this is devastating? People go through break ups all the time and it's normal. How do you get back on track? Something like this certainly does interfere with school. As hard as I try to focus, I just can't do it. I feel so hurt and so alone. Talking about it doesn't help either. Sometimes I feel like it would of been better if I Never met the person or fell in love at all.

It is really tough to adjust to this feeling especially when you use to spend all your time together. I don't think that it was healthy and because of that I don't know how to be alone anymore. In the beginning I wanted to spend time alone and not always be with someone. I always complained how I wouldn't get to see my friends. you know that saying it's better to of loved then to not loved at all? I disagree. I think I was better off alone. I never did get my wish to spend time with family, friends, and a bf. It was always one or the other and to make it worse my family didn't like who I was with. So I was always unhappy about that.

This feeling even haunts me in my dreams. I feel like every time I close my eyes I see flashbacks of memories and a fake version of him that didn't exist. An imaginary personality he had where he wouldn't complain about anything and we just got along. He was very noble, honest, and gentle. He made me feel happy and good about myself. But in reality he was always getting mad over little things like the fact that I am so feminist. Why is feminism seen as wrong? I just feel like men are physically stronger and they use that power to take advantage of women. I just want it to be equal and no supremacy of females over males. This means that females shouldn't take advantage of the fact that it's seen as okay to SLAP a man across the face; just like we see in movies.

I've seen many relationships like mine. Relationships where the woman goes everywhere with her boyfriend and his friends, but it's never the other way around. This way he gets to see his friends and be with his girlfriends the same time.

I feel like this pain I feel is my own fault. I was too forgiving and let my emotions get in the way. That is something I know a lot of women do. It's like a kind of motherly quality. Mothers are always forgiving and when we think of a parent we think of mom and rarely about dad. I feel like mothers are more emotional than fathers and that's why they are so ready to easily forgive.

I feel like there is too much that time can't erase. I was always there for him and now there is no one here for me. I can't go to my parents because they do not approve of dating it's not a loud and my siblings never liked him anyway. The reason they didn't like him was because I changed a lot when I was with him. I don't drink anymore, but that was my choice and I'd wish people see that. I wasn't influenced by him I was just informed. I have a really good reason not to drink I was sexually assaulted when I did drink and I don't think it was my fault it was just that alcohol made it harder for me to fight.

I never reported many of these assaults because I always felt like it was my fault I could have prevented it and it's too humiliating to tell someone what I went through it. Because of these assault my relationship was very unstable because I had a hard time trusting men. It feels really bad because I eventually did end up trusting him and it only brought sorrow. So my question is how do you recover? Sometimes women don't. and that's what scares me...